icon caret-left icon caret-right instagram pinterest linkedin facebook twitter goodreads question-circle facebook circle twitter circle linkedin circle instagram circle goodreads circle pinterest circle

Notes from a Crusty Seeker

“The Really Terrible Cook + Occasional Fashion & Beauty Tips"

I believe I have finally found my next career. It happened in an epiphanous Facebook post when I realized my true calling. Following are installments of my new Online show, “The Really Terrible Cook + Occasional Fashion & Beauty Tips.” My expert credentials: None whatsoever.

Enjoy, and you’re welcome.

A Unique and Speedy Dinner:
Although I am not a cook, I’ve become giddily experimental since cooking a vegan Thanksgiving dinner for my friends Nurse Mia and Dr. Robert (a die-hard carnivore, who liked it). And my middle name is Julia, which, I believe, qualifies me to put stuff in a pan: vegetable stock, scallions, onions, kale, mushrooms, eggs, salt, pepper, wheat flour, black currents. Stir till it’s not so watery or your arm gets tired. A very tasty and unique experimental dinner from Ms. B. Julia. You're welcome.

For the next installment of “The Really Terrible Cook…,” I would like to introduce you to coffee. Forget work such as walking to Starstruck, grinding beans, or boiling water. Calm your stomach with de-acidified Kava. It already contains Tums and can be nutritious if you use it to chug your daily vitamins. Kava coffee is conveniently prepared using ice water from your fridge or luke warm H2O from your spigot. Special Tip: it tastes best when served in a “Betsy” cup … unless your name is “Vermont.”

P.S. I smell a blockbuster TV series. All serious offers will be entertained.

In today’s installment of “The Really Terrible Cook” we will consider breakfast foods. We’re all aware of the importance of nutrition, but it is a little known fact that the shape of our food is also significant. During this time of escalating unemployment, it is paramount to start your day by eating a phallus-shaped breakfast. (This is particularly true for those of us with a more introspective nature.) Ingesting food such as bananas and tofu dogs (see illus.) will not only enhance your aggression and give you a much needed lift in our flagging economy, but it might possibly help you penetrate your impregnable job market. You’re welcome.

Be the first to comment