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Notes from a Crusty Seeker

In Defense of No More Marriage

"I've just concluded that for me, personally, it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married," said President Barack Obama in an interview.

Well, that does it. He has finally gone over the line, which forces me, an ordinary person, to finally inject some sanity into this ridiculous discussion. Look in the mirror, people. Do you see a couple? No, you see a person. A single person, defined by the Free Dictionary as a living human. Not two. You see one living body of one human—unless of course you happen to have a conjoined twin, in which case I sincerely apologize for my generalization, and I assure you I did not mean to imply any diminishment of your rights as two humans, but really I doubt that is relevant, because, if you are conjoined, you are most likely siblings and therefore not liable to marry each other, and therefore excluded—no offense intended—from the topic at hand. But I’m getting off the point.

The point is, this is a free country, people, where everybody is supposed to have equal chances to exist, and married couples are given unfair advantages over us single people in everything from taxes to government jobs, and I for one have had it! It should not be allowed.

I’m not a religious person, but I give them kudos for taking on this marriage thing. I just think they haven’t gone far enough. After all, Christianity defines a person as “any of the three separate individualities of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit”—all of whom are male, so therefore women are not persons and should not be allowed to marry male persons any more than we should be encouraging interspecies couplings.

And speaking of “couples,” physicists define them as “a pair of equal and opposite parallel forces that have a tendency to produce rotation with a torque or turning moment equal to the product of either force and the perpendicular distance between them.” And I ask you: does that sound like a healthy basis for a legal relationship that allows joint filing of bankruptcy when the single guy down the street who got laid off at the same time has to do it all alone? I mean really!

Enough of this nonsense. No more legal marriage is the only sane answer. If you want to have a big, expensive party and invite all your friends and get lots of free stuff that, ten years down the road, you’ll only haggle over or sell or throw at each other once the divorce talks start, fine. Do it. Call it whatever you choose, as defined by any dictionary or church or science. You have my blessing. But why on earth should you get legal benefits over those of us who opt to pay our own way?

For goodness sake, I voted for the guy, but, Obama, you have disappointed me for the last time. Equal rights means no more marriage for anybody! Get it together, people. For goodness sakes, THINK!

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