Betsy Robinson

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The opening monologue to Darleen Dances has become a favorite audition piece for actresses since it was published in Moving Parts in 1992.

Read the full script in Girl Stories & Game Plays (the only published version). Or, for a PDF e-book of the full script, click "buy now" button, top left of this page.

To find out about the novel that Darleen blossomed into, click on Plan Z (right).

Here's Darleen:

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DARLEEN, IN A FLASHY LEOTARD AND JEANS, IS DANCING AND FINISHING A SANDWICH AND ORANGE JUICE. SHE DANCES THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING MONOLOGUE. SHE IS RECORDING HERSELF ON A VIDEO CAMERA.

DARLEEN (ponying)
I been doin this for 6 hours, 22 minutes and 17 seconds.

(FANCY DANCE)

Not the fancy stuff. I just do that to goose myself whenever I start feeling bored or like I'm gunna pass out or throw up or somethin — takes my mind off the time. Of which I got a lot more to go yet if I'm gunna get in the book.

(STROLL)
Raymond, my boyfriend, he thinks I'm crazy. "Darleen, baby, you're crazy. I mean what's so hot about gettin in a beer book?"

(RESUME PONY)
That's how smart he is; he thinks anything with the word Guinness in it gotta be about beer. I mean why even bother trying to explain to a person with that intellectual mentality.

He left about a hour ago.
The thing is is I got no ovaries.

That's a lie. (FREEZE FOR HALF A BEAT. PONY) I got em, but they don't work so good, and they hurt me a lot, so this doctor, he's gunna take em out on Friday, and I figured if I started saying right now that I got none, maybe it'd help me get used to the idea, you know?

Anyway, the point is I'm a cashier at Blimpies which don't exactly make me a household name, and now I'm never gunna have a kid, so I figured if I got my name in the book, maybe somebody a hundred or a thousand or so years from now — maybe they'd know I was here! (THROW UP ARMS...NO RESPONSE)

(SWIM)
You see, if I get my name in the book, it'd be like there'd be this little piece of me that, after I get old and decrepit and eventually dead, this little piece'd go on. Cause people'd read the book and they'd know who Darleen Rosengarten was: "Oh Darleen Rosengarten — she's the Blimpies cashier with no ovaries who set the record for (JERK) non-stop, free-style rock 'n roll dancing to no music!"

(PONY TURN)
I woulda had music but my stereo's broke and somebody ripped off my walkman.
(TAP DANCES. PAUSE.)
...I was named after the Mouskateer...Darlene Gillespie? Actually I did it myself — named myself Darleen, with my own unique spelling — when I was a kid. My real name is something too boring to even tell you. But it didn't really make any difference — changing my name — seeing as she was the Mouskateer. I woulda been one, but we lived in Secaucus, New Jersey and they didn't send no talent scouts there. So I got a lot of wasted time to make up for. I mean if I'da known then that I wasn't gunna have any ovaries, I'da started earlier on this book thing, ya know.

(FAST DANCE)
Sometimes I think if I dance real fast it'll make the time go quicker. But that's just a whadeyacallit — a illusion, I know. Never changes anything. Just wears me out.

(CHECK TIME)
6 hours, 24 minutes and 38 seconds.

Raymond, Raymond, he says I should slow down and be happy just to be alive. He says alive with no ovaries is better'n dead with a full set. He says I shouldn't get so depressed cause what with all this transplantin that's going on maybe I could get a new set. That after all, they're puttin monkey parts in babies now, so you never know... Can you imagine?

I said, "Raymond, this is not a science fiction, this is my life, and that's all I need is a set of monkey ovaries poppin out little monkey eggs every month. No thank you," I said. "I'd rather dance!"

(MONKEY. PONY.)
I really like to dance. Maybe not for 6 and a half hours, but a hour or so here and there makes me feel really — , I don't know. It's like good sex, if you'll pardon my French. It's like feeling all of you — alla your parts — of which I won't have after next Friday — but it's like God.

I mean I'm not real religious or anything, but when I dance I feel like God's going all through me — up and down, in and out, and I feel whole!

So the thing is, if I can do this — if I can dance so long and so hard that I get in the book, even if all they write is that some girl with no ovaries set the record, and even if they leave out the God part, which they probably will, I just got this feeling like — I don't know. Like even though I was never a Mouskateer, and even if Raymond thinks I'm crazy, and even if nobody a hundred or a thousand or so years from now ever reads the damn book, at least I'll know. I'll know somethin's in there. And then maybe — . Maybe — . Maybe then Friday won't seem so bad.
(PONIES HARD.
BLACK OUT.)

© 1986, 2001 Betsy Robinson

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NOTICE: You may use this monologue for audition purposes only, and no public performance, representation, production, public reading or radio, television, internet, or other recording or broadcasting of this copyrighted work is permissible except by special arrangement with the author. For all rights, contact Betsy Robinson at Betsy@​BetsyRobinson-writer.com.